what I am

In building steam to write again, I’ve really had to dig into who and what I am. And just as important as it is to decide what you are and who you are, I find it’s just as critical to decide who and what you aren’t. Still with me?

When I have twirled and whirled and dived into creative flashes, I always end back up here. Back to writing. So in what I am, let’s start with the obvious.

I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter, an aunt, a sister and daughter in law, a mentor. I am a teacher, a writer, an artist, a creative and a deep thinker.

And in all those, seeking first, I’m a Christ follower. That embodies every role.

I am someone that heads full-force into something and then can fizzle out just as hard. I wear my heart on my sleeve and fight like mad to keep it from breaking when I (almost always) leave it exposed.

I am a creative mind that is learning God meets me there and calls me there.

I am a perfectionist by spirit, but not by outward action. I am always doubting my abilities and my calling. I let the inner critic boss me around until I am paralyzed in decision making. I get upset when others call out in me what I know to be true but can’t swallow. I am always worried I will regret a step and I let fear wash over me like a rain shower, drenching me until I have to face it.

I am not a shallow-thinking or acting person. I go deep. I am not a leave people where they are and think it’s okay person. I am not able to let people settle for less than best (even though I often let myself). I am not a facts person, I am a feelings person. I’m not a “it is what it is” person. I’m a “why?” person. I can not let things lie. I want do dig. I am not a constant, steady motion. I’m choppy and inconsistent and a current-moving type of motion. Like the sea. Warm and cold all mixed together.

And in every bit of that, I am surrendered. I am full on me. And yearning to be more Jesus in order to be more me. In knowing who I am and who I am not, I know my Maker all that much better.

Have you considered lately what and who you are and what and who you are not? Let that pondering toss around in your soul until it comes to shore.