grace and ashes

In building steam to write again, I’ve really had to dig into who and what I am. And just as important as it is to decide what you are and who you are, I find it’s just as critical to decide who and what you aren’t. Still with me?

When I have twirled and whirled and dived into creative flashes, I always end back up here. Back to writing. So in what I am, let’s start with the obvious.

I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend, a daughter, an aunt, a sister and daughter in law, a mentor. I am a teacher, a writer, an artist, a creative and a deep thinker.

And in all those, seeking first, I’m a Christ follower. That embodies every role.

I am someone that heads full-force into something and then can fizzle out just as hard. I wear my heart on my sleeve and fight like mad to keep it from breaking when I (almost always) leave it exposed.

I am a creative mind that is learning God meets me there and calls me there.

I am a perfectionist by spirit, but not by outward action. I am always doubting my abilities and my calling. I let the inner critic boss me around until I am paralyzed in decision making. I get upset when others call out in me what I know to be true but can’t swallow. I am always worried I will regret a step and I let fear wash over me like a rain shower, drenching me until I have to face it.

I am not a shallow-thinking or acting person. I go deep. I am not a leave people where they are and think it’s okay person. I am not able to let people settle for less than best (even though I often let myself). I am not a facts person, I am a feelings person. I’m not a “it is what it is” person. I’m a “why?” person. I can not let things lie. I want do dig. I am not a constant, steady motion. I’m choppy and inconsistent and a current-moving type of motion. Like the sea. Warm and cold all mixed together.

And in every bit of that, I am surrendered. I am full on me. And yearning to be more Jesus in order to be more me. In knowing who I am and who I am not, I know my Maker all that much better.

Have you considered lately what and who you are and what and who you are not? Let that pondering toss around in your soul until it comes to shore.

 

It’s summertime and the living is….

I’m sure you can easily finish that thought with the typical ending to the phrase.  But when I really dig into that thought, I feel like there are a million other negative words that can easily fill in the blank when you’re a parent.

Complicated.

Hard.

Guilt-ridden.

Another time to feel like I’m not hitting the mark.

When the devil is preying to steal my joy.

Stressful and anxiety-filled.

Although I know God doesn’t want us to live in the negative, I do think He wants us to face hard truths and dig into the honest beliefs in our hearts over something.  For me, this season comes with such joy, delight, and expectancy.  As a working teacher Momma, summer seems like the exuberant light at the end of the tunnel.  The ice water after a long run.  The sabbath of the year.  But at the same time, it comes with all these expectations and “am I doing it rights” or “am I doing enoughs” at the same time.  Because…well…that’s the world we’re living in, folks.  Constant comparison in our eyes, scroll after scroll, square after square, post after post.  And even the most humble, raw post of one person can be breeding ground for our sinful nature to twist and turn something until one’s joy has turned into our personal misery.

And let me just declare this now.  I AM NOT HERE FOR THIS THIS SUMMER.  I am here to declare all the humble, raw, joy and stripped down to the core, back to the heart of what this season is meant to be TRUTH.  Who is with me?

The slower mornings.

The extra margin for family memories.

The sunshine.

The care-free times to splash in water.

The late nights running barefoot catching fireflies.

The iced coffee and fresh foods.

The grace to start refined, slower, and more intentional family rhythms.

In my time with Jesus this morning, He showed me to Galatians 5:22-23.  The Fruit of the Spirits.  You may know them well.  You may be unfamiliar.  But let me share them in a nutshell: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  What was an ah-ha to me with this familiar passage was how we can use these not as an ending mark but as a gauge.  Where are we on a continuum? Not have we arrived.  Because, ladies and gents, we will never arrive.  Is that a bold statement? And one I’ve even heard some Christians debate? Yep.  But in my heart, as a Believer and Jesus follower at this point in my life, my humble perspective on what the Word of God states is that we are on a journey with Jesus by our side.  And with His spirit in us and at the same time, with a Holy, Divine guide amidst us.  Three in one.  The power in all forms in our life.  And when we decide that we can arrive and there’s a mark that we either hit or we are awful beings, ruining our kids and doomed for destruction on our path, I believe that that takes all the MIGHT out of the Mighty One and says, “I’ve got this and this is all about my power.”

I want to challenge you…no matter what summer looks like for you.  The working at home parent, the working outside the home parent, the working from home parent, the family in the midst of crisis, the family living among impending changes, the family in the valley, the family on the mountaintop…remind yourself daily, moment by moment, that you are on a journey.  Your kids need you to show up with the best version of you, through His power, that you can be NOW.  And then set your heart and soul determined to keep being better and knowing better through HIM.

At the end of the day, our kids will remember our striving.  Will they remember you striving in your own power and putting your faith in yourself? Or striving in His power and putting your faith and hope in your Savior?

 

 

I’ve always been a beach girl. I sometimes think I can blame it on my parents who took us to the beach yearly for family vacations. Although blame seems like a word I would give to something with a negative connotation. And there’s nothing negative about my love and passion for the ocean. For palm trees. For sand. For the rush of the waves trickling up the shore to my feet.

I’ve thought maybe it’s the nostalgia of it. Or the fact I get to leave “the real world” behind when I’m there. Or maybe it’s just tradition. Habit. What my souls knows.

But as I’ve left visit after visit from time by the ocean, I’ve had a newfound spiritual awakening about my why. Why I long for it. Why my souls thirsts and craves for it.

It’s where I tangibly can meet my Creator and experience his awe-inspiring stillness.

Still waters.

They are words that can wipe the stress, anxious thoughts and worries in an instant. But what I crave is the soul stillness. The one I find when I’m sitting beside the still waters.

What God has shown me is that while He knows my heart and my desires and longing for the shore. He made me in His image and to come alive in the midst his Creation. To be in awe of His works. I can’t always be by the actual, tangible still waters.

But He gives them to me when I seek Him and promises soul refreshment and restoration. In my daily life. In each moment I have breath, His offer is there.

When I retreat to the couch in the darkness of early morning before everyone in the house is awake with my coffee and bible.

When I stop and breathe His name, Jesus, in the midst of a busy mind fighting not to let the enemy steal the moment away.

When I watch my kids run in the open air soaking up sunshine their little bodies have craved all winter.

In the firm, loving embrace of my husband when he hears my woes from the day.

On my front porch. Where crickets chirp and the the warm pallet of the night sky meets the blue of the day’s sky.

Still waters. There, in those moments. He takes my hand and leads me there. In the middle of the ordinary.

He longs to guide and restore us to our still waters where we can meet Him. This beach girl’s soul’s desire isn’t a plane ride away. Or a planned vacation awaiting. It’s in my midst.

What are your still waters?

This morning, I woke and my mind was already busy.  Busy with thought which is nothing new for me.  I slept a little later than usual which always (actually, let’s be honest, that very rarely happens in this stage of life), throws me off.  I made my coffee and told Justin that I needed my “quiet” time…so I retreated to our bedroom where things weren’t as noisy.  (To be noted, as anyone with littles know, that still means there are echoes of lots of life coming down the hall from our babes.)

I want peace for my time with God.  I want to be able to get away to a calming atmosphere.  Preferably by the water.  Or with sunshine.  On my front porch.  Somewhere where I feel closest to God…and for me, usually that’s amidst nature or at least with it in sight.  But life is for real.  Life here on earth isn’t all our heart yearns for.  So I decided to make the most of it.

I walked into our bedroom and found piles upon piles of clothes and mess.  We had just come home from our vacation to the beach, so the suitcase sat with summer clothes -remnants of warm weather and sunshine and memories of water views…what my heart craves on the daily – spilling over onto the floor.  Half drank water glasses and water bottles.  Kiddo pajamas on the floor from our rushed mornings of them getting ready for school in our room while we get ready for work.  Messes reflecting the messy week.  Things I just didn’t want to deal with or focus on.  Especially not in that moment.  My heart sank.  And stepping back now I can see what was happening.  My focus was so wide.  Taking in everything around me.  All the mess.

Sitting in that cluttered bedroom, I wondered if this should even be the place I met with God.  But I heard whispered in my heart as I glanced up from my chair and saw the sun pouring through the window and a landscape of gorgeous large trees filled my view out the window, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened for you.” – Matthew 7:7

God opened the door of my heart and reminded me that it’s all about my focus.  All about how I channel my thoughts and the focus of my mind.  The enemy wanted to take that obedience and craving for time with my Savior away.  Satan wanted to stop me there and ruin my intentions of time with Jesus.  I fought back.  I narrowed my focus.  The Spirit pushed me on and His power won.

But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

-Matthew 7:14

That narrow focus through the mess to the sunlight-filled window and blue skies was the narrow path He calls us to daily.  And not just in our actions, but also our thoughts and where we dwell in the inner-most of our heart.

Did my shift in focus change the actual circumstances in my midst? Nope.  Did it change how I saw and found peace amidst that chaos? Yes! Does that change how I move into my day and into the world…it makes all the difference.

 

We live in a constant state of doors opening and closing.  Have you ever noticed that? When something ends, it’s the start of a new beginning.  But sometimes there’s the middle ground.  The time between.  And at times, you can sense God has closed a door in your heart, yet it’s not tangibly closed.  And then there are times where you know He has promised the next open door, you just don’t have the key quite yet.  I’m living there currently.  Honestly, sometimes I even think I’m sitting here jingling a ton of keys and going, “Okay, God…which one do you want me to use here?”

What He’s telling me in the middle ground is the only thing that makes a difference in how this period goes is where my trust lies.  Does it lie in skewed thoughts of my own ability to choose the right key or realizing my inadequacy and need for His wisdom.

He tells us in His word that we can trust Him.  He tells us that He is always faithful.  He tells us that He has all our days laid out for us.  What He doesn’t tell us is the intricate details ahead of time.  The more and more I learn to depend on God’s timing and His direction, the more I become okay with that and even thankful for that.

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. -Colossians 1:18

In my time with God this morning, I felt Him reminding me that not only should I trust Him to open the doors as He leads, but also, that I’m called to trust how He handles and brings peace to the situations within the doors He’s closing.  He is in and among it all. He holds it all together.  When He calls us out, He promises to work it all out for our good and the good of the others involved.   He opens the door and he closes the other one with the amount of care and provision that only He can.

He’s not just in what we move toward, but also in what we leave behind.